Animal Rights
April 4, 2001
By Douglas B. Wakeman
If animals actually have rights, why shouldn't they also have the vote in a democracy? Animals cannot read, pull a lever, or punch a chad any better than a Florida Democrat, but why should they not have advocacy groups to decide how issues affect their respective animal groups, and then, cast a single multi-vote on their behalf?
The animal interest group, or some judge, or the president (through executive order) would proclaim what fraction of a human vote a particular animal group's vote is worth. For instance, they could say that all the ants in America have one hundredth of a human vote. Then, the National Ant Advocacy Council would decide what issues and candidates best represent the ants' interests. All votes would be tallied, and 1 vote would be cast for the ants' candidate for every hundred human voters. Animals could really have some clout if they pooled their votes according to common interests.
Because there are thousands upon thousands of animal and insect groups, if they worked together, they could make their vote worth many times more than a human vote. All politicians would pander to the animal advocates, ignoring the big money of corporate lobbyists, the selfish concerns of indivdual humans, or the imperialist ambitions of political parties and governments.
The next logical progression of this great advance would be to give plants and minerals the vote. Evil human interests would be completely overridden. We would have heaven on Earth as all decisions would be in the hands of the gentle creatures, plants and rocks.
One of the first things that the animals and plants will want, after getting the vote, will be the right to drive. Lacking the appendages and intelligence to operate a motor vehicle, they can still have their desires met. With so much political power, laws will be passed mandating human drivers to chauffuer the animals and plants on their errands. We will see dogs hopping out of automobiles at bushes and trees and hydrants. Seed pods would no longer have to hitch a ride on the fur of animals, or depend on dispersal by fickle wind, or through ignominious travel by way of bird excrement. There would be a human available to drive the dandelion spore and the maple whirligig to the perfect spot for their germination. Where we now see thousands of wildebeest thundering across the African plains, raising painful blisters, choking on their own dust, stopping, all to infrequently, to drink from crocodile infested waters, we would now see thousands of 4-wheel drive vehicles, each with its own wildebeest relaxing in the back, perhaps sipping a cool mineral water, being transported in comfort to wherever it is they are always going to and from.
It is also easy to envision some type of reparations to the animals, plants and rocks for past injustices. Trees will look on approvingly as people are made to stand in their midst and chop eachother's legs off with chainsaws. Humans will be made to fetch sticks, papers and slippers for their canine masters. Gold, iron, oil, and every other imaginable mineral will be gathered from man's infernal machines and buildings and painstakingly replaced, as accurately as possible, back from whence they were removed. Oil wells will be operated in reverse as ships arrive from all over the world to replace mother Earth's stolen lifeblood. Prodigal gold dust will be sifted from mining pans back into the longing arms of creeks and streams all across America.
Next: Voting rights and reparations for molecules and atoms.