MICHAEL MOORE MAKES LAST MINUTE OSCAR BID

Dateline, Hollywood, March 1, 2006: 

Michael Moore made a dramatic, last-minute entry with a touching love story.  Although the film was made quickly in the last week at a cost of only $5,000.00, the edgy topic matter, nausea-inducing sex scenes and boilerplate political subtext may give Brokeback Mountain the runs for its money.

The 15 minute film tells of the trials and eventual vindication of Harry Slavering, an overweight, Marxist, 60 year old pedophile, and his love for Jake, a 6 year-old boy.

The film opens with Harry leaving his lover’s home and the unfair sense of deep shame he is made to feel.  No, it’s not for having sex with a six-year old, it’s for having to pay the child’s father, a methamphetmine addict, $100.00 for each hour with the child.  The viewer cannot help but share in poor Harry’ outrage that an uptight, pedophobic society won’t allow him to marry little Jake and take him away from his abusive household and life of prostitution.

In this futuristic movie which takes place in 2008, the planet is suffering the effects of Global warming.  Harry attends a rally to protest the war-for-ice being waged by the Republican president to force Capitalism on a small tribe of Mukaluk Eskimos who were living in a blissful communal arrangment in perfect harmony with Mother Earth before ice was discovered on their Iceberg.

Harry is seen at the protest on TV by his dominionist, born-again, Republican, Israel-loving neighbors who brand him as unpatriotic for his principled dissent and report him to the fascist secret police.

While his six-year old lover stands crying at the barricades, Harry is taken away to a secret prison and tortured just for the fun of it.  The pathos is unbearable in a scene that depicts the tears and deep sadness on his librarian’s face as his library records are carted away by black-helmeted storm troopers.

Finally after Harry has been held without being charged or getting legal representation for 14 years, all political prisoners are released with the election of Chelsea Clinton as president.

Harry is greeted at the prison gates by 20 year-old Jake.   How sad that an imperialist, judgmentalist, war-mongering society robbed Harry and Jake of the 6 or so years of happiness they could have experienced before Jake reached puberty, for Jake is now far too old to hold any interest for the pedaphile, Harry.

All ends well though since man-boy marriage has just been legalized by the Supreme Court.  Before ending his now useless existence at the Conveno-Eutha Salon, Jake gives his two-year old son, Heath in marriage to Harry.  The Eskimos return to their pristine existence,  the Earth returns to its normal temperature with the signing of The Kyoto Protocol by President Clinton, and everyone travels into the sunset in alternative fuel vehicles made with union labor at a living wage with total health coverage.   

Meanwhile, trouble is brewing in the Zionist entity.  But that’s fodder for next year’s Oscars!

COCKROACH SURVIVES

Dateline, Harvard, October 9, 2005 -  There was bad news from a leading entomologist today for those hoping that Osama bin Laden might be among the dead in a devastating earthquake in northeast Pakistan Friday.  Professor Ino Insex said, "The cockroach is absolutely the very last vermin to be killed in any major cataclysm." 

SUE FOR GLOBAL WARMING

(News: Dateline, San Francisco, CA, August 25,2005)  A federal judge, appointed by President Bush, has ruled that a conglomeration of anti-human groups and U.S. communist-run cities can sue The Overseas Private Investment Corp and the Export-Import Bank for the funding of projects that cause global warming.  In a sweeping session that addressed many pressing issues of the day, he also allowed lawsuits against; native Americans for floods caused by rain dances; fat women for earthquakes; Eskimos for Winter; the EPA for failing to list Bigfoot on the endangered species list and space aliens for crop circles.

BUSH DOES NOT DISAPPOINT

Following his nomination of Harriet Miers for associate justice to the Supreme court, social conservatives have a new saying about Bush, “If you’re looking to be disappointed, you won’t be disappointed!”

HOMO VERIFICATION NEEDED IN CANADA

(News: Dateline, Toronto, Ontario, Canada, August 9,2005)  A flurry of proposals for modification of Canada's same-sex marriage act have emerged in the legislature after two straight men announced their intention to marry for tax purposes.  Bill Dalrymple, 56, and best friend Bryan Pinn, 65, have decided to take the plunge after concluding that, "There are significant tax implications."

Suggested amendments to the act include ass-certaining "considerable anal trauma" to at least one of the partners, requiring the performance of a homosexual sex act before at least two witnesses, or the ability to describe the plot line of an entire season of "Will and Grace."

Added January 23, 2006 - The University of Florida sees my wisdom!

SHIT-FLINGING

(News: Dateline, New York, NY, July 18, 2005)  Following the demise this weekend of the Democrat attempt to smear Karl Rove with a Shadow Party-manufactured bucket of shit, it was revealed that the GOP has been employing a clever boomerang strategy since late summer of 2004.

“We learned of the Democrat/Press Party plan to impede the Bush presidency and the war on terror by flinging an unending stream of buckets of shit against the wall and waiting to see if any of it would stick with the electorate” said a GOP spokesman.  “So, we set up an irresistible target for them!”

Apparently, GOP strategists got hold of an Acme  ©Teflon Trampoline of Truth.  They then painted a picture of the American flag carried by a group of brave American soldiers on it, and stood it up to look like a wall.  The Democrats could not resist using this as the wall upon which to fling shit and see what sticks, resulting in all of the shit bouncing back on them.

Democrat talking heads hit the Sunday shows this weekend, encrusted with a year’s worth of the shit that has bounced back on them from the GOP device, to decry the sneaky tactic.  To their dismay, this shit too, bounced back on their hapless heads.

TED RALL

(News: Dateline, New York, NY, July 14, 2005) That great patriot, Ted Rall thinks we need to consider the possibility that Karl Rove is working for al Qaeda.  Yes, the man who created a cartoon calling a genuine patriot, Pat Tillman, an idiot, thinks Rove is guilty of treason for setting a reporter straight about an attempt by a man/wife team of radical Leftist, political hacks to subvert our 2004 presidential election.

The estates of the creators of Tom and Jerry, The Three Stooges, and Wiley Coyote have filed suit against the looney left for copyright infingement.  One plaintiff claimed that, after years of building up an immunity to hillarious buffoonery, he literally laughed himself close to unconsciousness reading this piece.

DUMB BIDEN

(News: Dateline New York, NY, July 03, 2005)  Senator Joe Biden, the dumbest man in the Senate, said today on radical, Democrat TV station CBS's "Face The Nation" program that Judge Janice Rogers Brown, who that same Senate just approved for a seat on the DC Circus Court of Appeals, would be filibustered on a nomination for The Supreme Court.  He explained that she would be treated differently on a nomination for The Supreme Court because the circus court does not get to "make new law."  You would think that a member of our highest legislative body would know who, in our system of government, gets to make new law.  This might explain why the dumbest man in the senate opposes the nomination of anybody who, unlike the retiring, activist criminal, Sandra Day Dishonor, knows what the actual function is for The Supreme Court.

Biden, the brilliant constitutional scholar was then asked:

"Senator Biden, if the Supreme Court "gets to" make new laws, what is the
function of the legislature?"

"We get to appoint the judges."

"Oh....then, what is the President's function?"

"Obviously, that will be up to the Judges!"

BOYCOTT FOR EMINENT DOMAIN

(News: Dateline New London CT, June 29, 2005) Members of the American Left called for a boycott of Caterpillar Corporation for manufacturing the bulldozers that will knock down the houses of  homeowners existing under the oppressive occupation of the local town council.  Members of International Solidarity Movement plan to stand in the way of the demolition machinery in protest.  Huh?  Oh!  Update - NOT!

(Rachel Corrie was not available for comment)

CARTER IDIOCY ONE

(News: Dateline Atlanta GA, June 20, 2005) Jimmeh Carter, the stupidest American president, declared today that the United States terrorist detention camp at Guantánamo Bay, Cuba should be closed.  The reason Carter wants Gitmo closed is that the high standard of the treatment of the prisoners there reflects poorly on the way the rest of the people of Cuba live under the dictatorship of his good friend Fidel Castro.

GLOBAL HUMIDITY

It's not so much the global warming, it's the global humidity! - Greg Wakeman, June 16, 2005
 

THE FECKLESS SEVEN

Dateline - Washington D.C. - The Demoncrat Party dredged the swamps and found 7 Republican's willing to betray their president, their party and the American voters.  The Demoncrat leader, Senator Harry Reid of Nevada had high praise for the turncoats reminiscent of Hitler's warm feelings toward Neville Chamberlain.  ""This is really good news for every American tonight," Reid said.  "This is a significant victory."  He added, "If there was ever a Southern gentleman, it is the white-haired senator from Virginia, Senator Warner," 

Here is the scene in the Senate cloakroom following the negotiations.
 

PISSING OFF AMERICA

The Disadvantages of pissing off America.  Montage compiled by David Horowitz's Front Page War Blog.

EXPLODING TOADS

Toads are exploding in Europe.  One genius thought the phenomenon might be related to changes in the ozone layer!  I wonder if woman and minority toads were hit hardest.  Were they exposed to second-hand smoke?  Had they been super-sized at MacDonald's?  Has anyone looked into whether these toads, who are blowing themselves up, have been attending any mosques lately?

EUPHORIC PASSING

(News: Dateline, Mahwah, NJ, March 28, 2005)  Mr. Robert Nokoma of Westhill passed away today after having remained in a coma since he lapsed into unconsciousness during a Jack Daniels drinking contest in March, 2003.    The respirator upon which he had depended for lung function was removed by court order yesterday afternoon.  There was a slight disturbance when, upon being removed from the respirator, Mr. Nokoma began breathing on his own, awoke, and said, “How long was I out?”   Two court officers were summoned and a pillow was placed over Mr. Nokoma’s face for a few moments.  Witnesses say his passing was peaceful and euphoric.

VICENTE FOX

 (News: Dateline, Mahwah, NJ, March 25, 2005)    Vicente Fox has returned to Mexico after meeting with President Bush.  He was reluctant to leave the USA fearing that he wouldn’t be able to get back in.  He came over hidden in the dashboard of a truck.  He wants to come back and take one of those jobs no American will do – explaining the Democrat solution to Social Security.